I Have Wanted to Tell You, By Morgan

These stories and poems by bisexual+ youth were collected by Bisexual Women of Color (BIWOC), a Bisexual Health Awareness Month (BHAM) campaign partner. BIWOC is an organization whose mission is to provide emotional support, resources, community, and a safe space to discuss intersectional issues that affect bi women of color. They welcome all with multi-gender attractions, including but not limited to: bisexual, biromantic, pansexual, queer, fluid, and questioning.

Morgan
Age 17
Bisexual
Female
Hispanic
United States

I Have Wanted to Tell You
I have babysat your cousins,
and they were angels, I promise.
I have baked cookies with your sisters,
and they weren’t shaped right, but they still tasted great, don’t worry.
I have hugged your mom every time I have visited,
and every time I hug her I feel closer to her than my own mom.
I have helped your dad move his entire house in one day,
and there were a lot of stairs at his new house, but we pushed through.
I have spent countless hours at your grandparent’s house,
and it’s gotten to the point to where they talk to me like family.
I have played board games with you and your brother for a whole night,
and I didn’t win any games, but I can’t remember the last time I smiled so much.
I have been your shoulder to cry on,
just as much as I have cried on yours.
I have loved you and your family for years now.
but there is still such a great barrier between us.
I have told you everything about myself,
well, except for that.
I have fawned over many girls lately,
and many boys too, but that’s not what you would have a problem with.
I have told everyone else that I care about,
but you are still in the dark.
I have wanted to bring this up since I met you,
but the fact that I like girls is not the best conversation starter is it?
I have gone to church with you a few times now,
and every time I go I am scared of the hatred.
I have seen the disapproval in your eyes,
and it terrifies me to my core.
I have cried thinking of your response,
but I know I should give you the benefit of the doubt.
I have already mourned the end of our friendship,
even though we still talk like nothing is wrong, because technically on your end, nothing is
wrong.
I have wanted to be myself and be happy,
but I know that to do that I will need to be hurt first.
I have wanted to kiss and hug and be with girls,
but I am so afraid of disappointing you.
I have not been fair to you in not telling you,
and one day I hope I can.
I have wanted to tell you for so long,
but I am so absolutely petrified of losing not only you, but your family.
I have built so much with all of you,
and I don’t think I could handle it being demolished.
I have put in so much love and time and care,
that I refuse to let these relationships be torn down.
I have loved you for so many years,
so no matter how you choose to respond, don’t worry, because I always will.

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